DREAM DICTIONARY

Dream Dictionary: Memories, Dreams, Reflections. C.G.Jung - 7

I don't know what it is, I really don't, for I cannot and must not come anywhere near this thought, for that would be to risk thinking it at once. I haven't done this or wanted this, it has come on me like a bad dream. Where do such things come from?

This has happened to me without my doing. Why? After all, I didn't create myself, I came into the world the way God made me-that is, the way I was shaped by my parents. Or can it have been that my parents wanted something of this sort? But my good parents would never have had any thoughts like that. Nothing so atrocious would have occured to them.

I found this idea utterly absurd. Then I thought of my grandparents, whom I knew only from their portraits. They looked benevolent and dignified enough to repulse any idea that they might possibly be to blame.

I mentally ran through the long procession of unknown ancestors until finally I arrived at Adam and Eve. And then came the decisive thought. Adam and Eve were the first people; they had no parents, but were created directly by God, who intentionally made them as they were.

They had no choicebut to be exactly the way God had created themTherefore they did not know how they could possibly be different.They were perfect creatures of God, for he creates only perfection, and yet they commited the first sinby doing what God did not want them to do. How was that possible?

They could not have done it if God had not placed in them the possiblity of doing it. That was clear, too, from the serpent,whom God had created before them, obviously so that it could induce Adam and Eve to sin. God in His omniscience had arranged everything so that the first parents would have to sin. Therefore it was God's intention that they should sin.

This thought liberated me instantly from my worst torment, since I now knew that God himself had placed me in this situation. At first I did not know whether He intended me to commit my sin or not.

I no longer thought of praying for illumination, since God had landed me in this fix without my willing it and had left me wihout any help. I was certain that I must search out His intention myself, and seek the way out alone. At this point another argument began.

"What does God want?To act or not to act? I must find out what God wants with me, and I must find out right away." I was aware of course , that according to conventional morality there was no question but that sin must be avoided. That was what I had been doing up to now, but I knew I could not go on doing it.

My broken sleep and my spiritual distress had worn me out to such a point that fending off the thought was tying me into unbearable knots. This could not go on. At the same time, I could not yield before I understood what God's wiill was and what he intended. For I was not certain that He was the author of this desperate problem.

Oddly enough, I did not think for a moment that the devil might be playing a trick on me. The devil played little part in my mental world at that time, and in any case I regarded him as powerless compared with God. But from the moment I emerged from the mist and became conscious of myself, the unity, the greatness, and the superhuman majesty of God began to haunt my imagination.

Hence there was no question in my mind but that God himself was arranging a decisive test for me, and that everything depended on my understanding Him correctly. I knew, beyond a doubt, that I would ultimately be compelled to break down, to give way, but I did not want it to happen without my understanding it, since the salvation of my eternal soul was at stake.

God knows that I cannot resist much longer, and he does not help me, although I am on the point of having to commit the unforgivable sin. In His omnipotence he could easily lift this compulsion from me, but evidently He is not going to.

Can it be that He wishes to test my obedience by imposing on me the unusual task of doing something against my own moral judgement and against the teachings of my religion, and even against

His own commandment, something I am resisting with all my strength because I fear sternal damnation?

Is it possible that God wishes to see whether I am capable of obeying His will even though my faith and my reason raise before me the specters of death and hell? That might really be the answer!

But these are merely my own thoughts. I may be mistaken. I dare not trust my own reasoning as far as that. I might think it all through once more."

I thought it over again and arrived at the same conclusion, "Obviously God also desires me to show courage," I thought."If that is so and I go through with it, then He will give me His grace and illumination."

I gathered all my courage, as though i was about to leap forthwith into hell-fire, and let the thought come. I saw before me the cathedral, the blue sky. God sits on His golden throne, high above the world-and from under the throne an enormous turd falls upon the sparkling new roof, shatters it, and breaks the walls of the cathedral asunder.

So that was it! I felt an enormous,an indescribable relief. Instead of the expected damnation, grace had come upon me, and with it an unutterable bliss such as I had never known. i wept for happiness and gratitude. The wisdom and goodness of God had been revealed to me now that I had yielded to His inexorable command.

Reference: Memories, Dreams, Reflections: C.G.Jung